For a long time I've wanted to stop swearing. Somewhere along the way I've grown reliant on being able to swear with joyful abandon. It literally feels good to let 'em rip. "Shit piss fuck" is a favorite for any occasion. "Mother fuck" is another all-round goodie. But my child now has $918 in her 'mommy's swearing bank account' and she beseeches me regularly to stop. And goodness, when your child is asking you to stop (while she is making mountains of money off of my very bad habit), I feel like I should sit up and listen. So what does my child (at age 10) see in her mother right now, I wonder?
Probably something like this: A loving, funny, fun, obscene, occasionally cranky, occasionally crazy mommy who loves her like a crazy person (I tell her this - often. "I love you like a crazy person!" is a common saying around my house). And what would she like (at age 10) to see in her mother right now? Probably this: A loving, funny, fun, calm presence who never yells, shrieks or swears, who never says mean things to daddy (even when he deserves them), and who is cool around her friends.
In an alternate universe somewhere, I have a different life. In this life, I am well-rested, energetic, thin, and never swear. I am always kind to my husband and child, and never drink. I love everybody, and have (and show) good will toward all.
In my real life, I never have enough energy or time. I am carrying 20 pounds I don't need or want, and I swear like a truck driver on crack after a 36 hour haul in a snowstorm. I frequently verbally chew on the hubs and kid, and I want to kill the other drivers on the road. I am passionate and fun and a bitch on wheels sometimes. Probably too often.
My sister dragged me to therapy recently, because for some reason after my mom moved to assisted living we couldn't abide each other. I was very hesitant, but like all my prior therapy sessions, this was very helpful. We wound up talking a lot about our "triggers" - events that bring about the lizard-brain state of mind that can't think rationally (and that doesn't just like to swear, but that NEEDS to swear.) I've pondered these a lot. I could spend a lot more money on therapy getting to the root of these, and dragging hubs with me to learn how not to 'trigger' me (and how to be a better partner), but I just don't have FUCKING time (oops, sorry!). [Clears throat] I just don't have any more time to spare.
I KNOW you know how this is, but do you feel like your life is lived entirely inside a whirling blender, on high speed? I think the last time I sat down and just quietly pondered anything was back in February when I made my last post to this blog! It's not enough, but it IS enough to make one swear like crazy. I guess the swearing partly helps me cope with the craziness of raising a happy child (important adjective there) while working full-time, while hubs is largely ignorant of the many, many, many details this involves.
Now, I truly have NOTHING to complain about. I have a loving, loyal husband, a darling angelic child, good health for all, enough money, a good job where they appreciate me (most of the time) and (of course!) wonderful friends. I just need more time, more rest, and less weight (in that order).
I'm starting to ramble here, and I want to sum up. What I am saying is that I am trying to do this (stop swearing so much) on my own. I have started to say it out loud, "I'm not swearing anymore" to people in conversations where I normally would have inserted a swear word. This week at work, I said to our Fiscal Officer, "Well, I'm not swearing anymore, but if I were, I'd say he's acting like an ASSHOLE." Now, this may seem like thin ice, but I'm getting there, damn it (I mean, 'darn it'). I was driving my child in the car and said, "shit-shit" twice. She said, "that's $10 mom" (yes, she gets $5 per word), and I said, "No! I was speaking Italian!" She said, "huh?" I was writing an email with a pointed tone, and wrote the words, "STOP FUCKING WITH US" and then immediately erased it. Baby steps, baby steps. I think it's helping a teeny tiny bit. So, I'm not swearing anymore. Isn't that [FUCKING] wonderful?!
Love You! Can't wait for LaGuna!!!
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