My Other Life - I'm Getting There (I Think)

For a long time I've wanted to stop swearing.    Somewhere along the way I've grown reliant on being able to swear with joyful abandon.  It literally feels good to let 'em rip.   "Shit piss fuck" is a favorite for any occasion.   "Mother fuck" is another all-round goodie.  But my child now has $918 in her 'mommy's swearing bank account' and she beseeches me regularly to stop.  And goodness, when your child is asking you to stop (while she is making mountains of money off of my very bad habit), I feel like I should sit up and listen.  So what does my child (at age 10) see in her mother right now, I wonder?

Probably something like this:  A loving, funny, fun, obscene, occasionally cranky, occasionally crazy mommy who loves her like a crazy person (I tell her this - often.  "I love you like a crazy person!" is a common saying around my house).   And what would she like (at age 10) to see in her mother right now?  Probably this:  A loving, funny, fun, calm presence who never yells, shrieks or swears, who never says mean things to daddy (even when he deserves them), and who is cool around her friends.

In an alternate universe somewhere, I have a different life.  In this life, I am well-rested, energetic, thin, and never swear.  I am always kind to my husband and child, and never drink.  I love everybody, and have (and show) good will toward all.  

In my real life, I never have enough energy or time.  I am carrying 20 pounds I don't need or want, and I swear like a truck driver on crack after a 36 hour haul in a snowstorm.  I frequently verbally chew on the hubs and kid, and I want to kill the other drivers on the road.  I am passionate and fun and a bitch on wheels sometimes.  Probably too often.

My sister dragged me to therapy recently, because for some reason after my mom moved to assisted living we couldn't abide each other.  I was very hesitant, but like all my prior therapy sessions, this was very helpful.  We wound up talking a lot about our "triggers" - events that bring about the lizard-brain state of mind that can't think rationally (and that doesn't just like to swear, but that NEEDS to swear.)  I've pondered these a lot.  I could spend a lot more money on therapy getting to the root of these, and dragging hubs with me to learn how not to 'trigger' me (and how to be a better partner), but I just don't have FUCKING time (oops, sorry!).   [Clears throat] I just don't have any more time to spare.

I KNOW you know how this is,  but do you feel like your life is lived entirely inside a whirling blender, on high speed?  I think the last time I sat down and just quietly pondered anything was back in February when I made my last post to this blog!  It's not enough, but it IS enough to make one swear like crazy.  I guess the swearing partly helps me cope with the craziness of raising a happy child (important adjective there) while working full-time, while hubs is largely ignorant of the many, many, many details this involves.

Now, I truly have NOTHING to complain about.  I have a loving, loyal husband, a darling angelic child, good health for all, enough money, a good job where they appreciate me (most of the time) and (of course!)  wonderful friends.  I just need more time, more rest, and less weight (in that order).  

I'm starting to ramble here, and I want to sum up.   What I am saying is that I am trying to do this (stop swearing so much) on my own.  I have started to say it out loud, "I'm not swearing anymore" to people in conversations where I normally would have inserted a swear word.  This week at work, I said to our Fiscal Officer, "Well, I'm not swearing anymore, but if I were, I'd say he's acting like an ASSHOLE."  Now, this may seem like thin ice, but I'm getting there, damn it (I mean, 'darn it').   I was driving my child in the car and said, "shit-shit" twice.  She said, "that's $10 mom" (yes, she gets $5 per word), and I said, "No!  I was speaking Italian!"  She said, "huh?"  I was writing an email with a pointed tone, and wrote the words, "STOP FUCKING WITH US" and then immediately erased it.  Baby steps, baby steps.  I think it's helping a teeny tiny bit.   So, I'm not swearing anymore.  Isn't that [FUCKING]  wonderful?!

Love You!  Can't wait for LaGuna!!!

Losing my "cool"

I don't think I'm cool anymore.  I sometimes feel cool internally, but I catch glimpses of myself and think, 'not cool'.  I'm flabby here and there, and a good bit gray between color jobs, and am slightly puffy.  I spend a lot of time thinking about work, and about how to be a better mom, and what needs to be done around the house, but none of these make me 'cool'.

I was at a work meeting a few months ago with our director of libraries.  A lovely, mild-mannered little gray man with wire-frame glasses, and I overheard him telling someone he had been at Woodstock.  He did NOT look cool enough to have been at Woodstock!  But somewhere buried under the gray and glasses was a hot young rocking guy who partied down, man!  I'm sure he was completely in touch with his younger self, and wondered often, WTF happened?  Where did the cool guy go?

So does cool = young?  I guess so.  So many young kids are not cool though - they are stupid and loud and bossy.  This generation seems to be over-confident and under-curious!  Wah wah wah.  Don't I sound cool?  I feel like I could teach them a thing or two about cool but they would laugh out loud.  Or maybe LOL.  :-(

I also worry that while I still try and pull off the cool look, soon I'll start looking ridiculous.  I have a couple of pairs of cool boots and some skinny black jeans I wear.   For now, I hope I at least qualify for MILF status (Mother I'd Like To Fu*k, FYI).  [MILF and DILF is the Baby Boomers way of being cool with aging, I think].   One day soon though, I just won't be able to do it anymore.  I'm 48.  How does a 58 year-old pull off 'the look'?  Beats the crap out of me.  Just be sure to pull me aside when the time comes and tell me gently that it ain't working for me anymore.  It'll be time to start getting the hair done at Sears.

The only times that I feel cool now is when I'm listening to good music.  Joe and I got to go see Green Day a couple of months ago, and it was COOL!  We never sat down, and bopped and rocked all night.  BUT, before we went we stopped at the CVS and bought EAR PLUGS (I kid you not!)  Not cool.

I like to think I'll be cool again when I retire.  Maybe I'll smoke a big fatty from time to time and grow my hair long and gray and be the crazy old lady on the street who says the "F" word to the neighborhood kids and to the dogs who shit in her yard.  Is that cool?  Sounds more sad (or annoying) than cool.  Sheesh - I don't know.  Is it too late for me, do you think?  Are we ever going to be cool again?

A Fairly Odd Parent

Yes, that's me.  "A work in progress," I like to say, but sometimes even I confuse myself.  

This week is a good example.   So, below you will find a newsletter (I copied it, and hope it looks 'normal' when I post this entry) from Children Online - I went to see these two (see photos in box) speak a few weeks ago at D's school and was impressed by their sense and very much appreciated their advice about the Internet and children, right before Christmas.  I really was moments away from buying D an iTouch and then went and saw these two, and immediately switched my gift to a Kindle (which has been a very good gift that D is happy with).

Anyway, if you scroll almost to the bottom, you'll see where they feature my version of Amy Winehouse's song 'Rehab'.  I was inspired to write this on a lark.  Anyway, I did it, sent it to them, they liked it and here it is:

Quick Links Previous Newsletters Resources for Parents Children Online Website Join Our List Facebook Friends: According to Facebook, the average number of friends per account holder is 130.  The number of friends connected to our children's accounts is well above the average.  Our fall, 2010 survey of nearly 2100 children and teens reveals the following average number of friends:   4th grader - 83 5th grader - 55 6th grader - 165 7th grader - 189 8th grader - 340 9th grader - 414 10th grader - 561 11th grader - 779 12th grader - 746  Related Resources: Social Network Privacy Concerns by Parents and Teens [Oct., 2010; Denise Terry's blog about theTRUSTe study] There are several online services that help monitor your child's reputation, behavior and privacy on the Internet.  Some say they also monitor their social networks.  Here are two to consider. Please note that it is well worth reading the terms of signing up for these services.  Some say they may use your account information to market goods and services to you. SafetyWeb.com SafeSocial.com Some parents may choose not to log into the older teen's Facebook account but want the peace of mind to monitor their teen's activity.  There is a Facebook App that claims to offer a solution to their desire for privacy and a parent's wish to monitor. It is called GoGoStat. Anne Collier and Larry Magid, Co-Directors ofConnectSafely.org, created a very thorough Parents Guide to Facebook [pdf] that every parent with a child using Facebook should see. GetParentalControls.org has a pdf file about parental controls for social networking sites.  © Children Online 2010   Doug Fodeman & Marje Monroe. For permission to reprint please contact  DougF@ChildrenOnline.org INTERNET SAFETY CURRICULUM Safe Practices for Life Online Children Online has a curriculum on Internet Safety that includes nearly 100 student exercises and lots of information on many topics including social networks, instant messaging, cyberbullying, online marketing, scams directed at kids, protecting privacy online, avoiding identity theft and impersonation, creating strong passwords and more. There is also a student edition which includes cartoons and "Did you know" sections of interesting facts for students.   To learn more or place an order visit our publications page at ChildrenOnline.orgor go directly to our publisher's pages:   Teacher's Edition at ISTE   Student Edition at Lulu.com

Issue: #45   January 2011 45th Edition of the Children Online Newsletter. Any parent or teacher can tell you that the meaning of a "friend" is dramatically different in our children's online experiences than for adults. This is especially true in their experiences in social networks. Interestingly, parents are joining social networks more and more, and friending their young teens or children as an effort to monitor them and help keep them safe.  But is such effort the most effective way to monitor their children? That is the topic of this month's newsletter, along with a peek into some of our fall, 2010 research on the topic. As always we welcome your comments and suggestions.  Best wishes, Marje Monroe and Doug Fodeman Contact Marje or Doug via email at marjem@childrenonline.org or dougf@childrenonline.org for  information about our programs or consulting services. How to Best Protect Your Child in Facebook   According to our research, more and more parents are becoming "friends" of their children on Facebook. In the past year approximately 63% of 7th graders listed their parents among their friends on Facebook. Not surprisingly, this percentage goes down as the child enters high school. While we are happy to see that parents are paying more attention to monitoring their child's life online, we hope more of those parents consider having their child's Facebook account password instead.  Here are some of our arguments for re-considering "friending" your child and instead taking the approach of being a monitoring/supervisory presence with their password.   1. What does the word "Friend" mean? The Definition of the word Friend has changed. Friends online may in fact not be friends at all and may have only a vague connection to the user. With the average 8th grader having close to 350 "friends" online, the idea of a friend has broadened to include anyone from a family member, close friend or stranger who has access to an account.   According to a TRUSTe studyconducted in October, 2010, 68% of teens surveyed accepted friend requests from people they didn't know.Previous studies had shown that figure to be as much as 43%.   2. We are not their "friend". As a parent, our primary job is to keep our kids safe and to protect them and nurture them.As much as our kids would love for us to be the cool parent, we are not their friend when it comes to making tough calls and setting limits for their best interest.We are their parent and need to be consistent and strong in setting limits and caring for our kids.By working with them and having their password, we are better able to set appropriate limits and intervene when we need to.   3. As a Friend we may be condoning very inappropriate behavior. As Friends on Facebook we often have access to accounts we rarely see.Yet, we remain friends despite long absences from viewing our friend's sites.In the fast paced world of teen online communication, a Facebook posting could be up, commented on and changed five times in the course of 30 minutes.Often we miss inappropriate language, bullying or even threats on Facebook. As a parent, older relative or mentor, are we responsible when we see a young teen's or a child's account veer into inappropriate behavior? How do we define inappropriate behavior and how does the child or teen view our presence on the account?   4. We don't have full access to accounts as a "Friend" With a password, a parent will have full access to all areas and postings in a Facebook account.As a friend, parents have limited access and rely on their child's not "unfriending" them to remain in view.  A limited view of Facebook for a parent, may not give the full picture of their child's online behavior.  This can be especially risky for children under age 14. Also, with full access to an account, parents can routinely check on their child's privacy settings and installed apps. 5. As a Friend you child also has access to your account. What may be appropriate and safe for adults may not be for children.Adults have different needs and issues than children and Facebook accounts can reflect this.With the lack of boundaries and direction online and the lines of adults and children blurred, it is increasingly important for parents to be strong and consistent role models and caring authority figures for their children.   We hope more parents consider the role of "friend" on Facebook seriously, and make decisions about monitoring their child's site carefully.  Having your child's Facebook password, and using it to monitor their behavior in their online social world, sends the message that you are in charge of their safety and check that your expectations for their behavior are being met. Simply said, you are setting limits and boundaries in a world where none normally exist. Parental Support With a Sense of Humor...   In December, 2010, Suellen Savukas attended one of our workshops for parents and was inspired to write this song about saying "no" to her 9-year-old who wants an iTouch.  Kudos to Suellen! Her lyrics should be sung to the tune of "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse (seen here on YouTube). Enjoy!   They tried to make me buy an iTouch I said, "No, No No" It may seem unjust but when you see smut you'll know, know, know My babe's got just one mind, and honey there's plenty of time And if I buy an iTouch, down you'll go, go go I'd rather you be home with your Kindle, Reading nice books like "Frindle" 'Cause there's nothing, there's nothing better than peace While the Internet may cause it to dwindle You won't get much from You Tube Except a lot of people behaving really rude! They begged me for a Facebook page I said, "No, No, No" Too much sharing, way too soon and then everyone know, know, knows Some "friends" are really rude and some are just big old goons You'll try to erase what you have said and it won't go, go, go You're much too young to be the judge Of what could land you in the sludge! You're my precious child so I say, "No, No, No" You have the rest of your life to know, know, know The world's a wacky place, and you'll learn this at MY pace And not because the marketers say, "go, go go!" About Children Online Children Online offers innovative and comprehensive workshops on Internet safety and online education to students, parents, faculty and administrators.   Our approach, unique in the field of Internet safety,  combines a thorough understanding of Internet technologies, child development and counseling, to focus on the impact of the internet on the social, emotional and language development of young people. Doug Fodeman and Marje Monroe, experts in technology, counseling and education, work together to provide invaluable research and tools for parents and schools with practical real-life solutions to the issues faced by young people online.  Since 1997, Marje and Doug have spoken to thousands of students, teachers and parents.   They have several publications in the area of Internet safety and offer a free online newsletter.  More detailed information can be found at ChildrenOnline.org. Okay, so here's where I confuse myself.  My kid loves this song, because Joe and I thought it was a freaking HOOT and it kind of rocks, too.  Now, please understand she knows NOTHING of the meaning, but let me tell you, I need to quickly stop letting her listen, as I WILL regret it.  The problem is that it's on my iPod, and she often requests it.  I think I will have to tell her I accidentally deleted it.  Think she'll believe that???  This isn't appearing as a link, so you'll have to copy and paste it into your browser to watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFCOa4tjHeo This song was featured on the movie Euro Trip and the clip features Matt Damon as the singer of the song.  The kid in the audience not moving is Scotty, and he thought Fiona was his girlfriend.  Okay, anyway, watch it! XO,

Happy 2011!

So far, so good.  Although poor Joe was sick last night, and we have to move our annual NY Day party to tomorrow.  We are fortunate the holidays fell on the weekend so we have an extra day to do this.  The in-laws brought a bug with them from Pennsylvania when they came for Christmas, and it's worked its way through the house.  I've managed to avoid it so far though.

So you might think the link to the Bruce Springsteen song is odd (Your Own Worst Enemy) on a Blog dedicated to friendship!  Here's the long story on the background on this:  When I had Daphne, I put away all of my adult things and completely immersed myself in her world.  I think I was overwhelmed and just wanted to get everything "right" for her.  I realized on some level that I was almost fading from myself, but I felt like it was an important (and temporary) sacrifice.  I didn't listen to any music except Toddler Favorites, Dan Zanes and Justin Roberts and watched no TV except Baby Einstein, Maisy, Kipper the Dog.  

One day I got my monthly subscription to Interview magazine, and saw this couple on the front (Jack and Meg White of the White Stripes).  I had absolutely no idea who they were or why they should be on the cover of Interview.  I realized with a jolt that I was starting to miss too much, and if I didn't want to be stuck forever in babyland, I'd better start trying to pay more attention to the cultural things I was missing out on.  I decided to subscribe again to Rolling Stone, and to pay more attention.  At about the same time I got my first iPod, and accessing music became so much easier and cheaper.

I was reading a review of Bruce Springsteen's album "Magic" and the reviewer mentioned that he was singing in the style of Roy Orbison which I couldn't imagine, so I checked out a few songs and wound up buying the entire CD.  It's actually quite good, and for whatever reason I really like the song "Your Own Worst Enemy".  There is something haunting but beautiful about it.  I think he wrote it in reference to the Bush Years (at least that's what it makes me think of).  And yes, he does sound a little like Roy - throaty, long notes and not just the short squeezed sounds typical for him.

The Jimmy Fallon link is truly priceless.  You must watch and comment (also features Springsteen, so watch the whole thing!)  Makes me wonder who out there is making good music with a conscience and a message - I honestly don't know.  I have a bunch of music buds (most from my college radio station days) on Facebook - perhaps I will post this question to them.  Any thoughts/suggestions?  What if Neil had just sung about whipping his hair?

Anyway, loving this Blogger thing!  Joe bought me a Mac for Mother's Day (LOVE IT) and I now have all my digital photos from when Daphne was first born (when we first got a digital).  I have uploaded pics of our many fun times together, so check out the Flickr link at the bottom.  Then, you can check out my other Flickr account if you want to drool over my Robbie Pattinson pics.  Nom nom nom.